quandary

Well, gosh, here goes.

The woman who I had the confrontation with last week? Well, she sent me an email today with an apology. I have hurt you and I have not done what I should have apology.

The problem?

My initial reaction, my gut level reaction, is to continue to run far away from this person. Although the apology is very nice and, I believe, currently genuinely felt it doesn't really address the hurtful things she said to me. Those hurtful comments, the ones with the most sting, the ones that I've fought to stop brooding over, they keep me from reaching out for a compromise. The comment about a friend who was secretly hurt by me. The comment about how I was never meant to lead this group, which really becomes, you have overstepped your bounds. These are statements that I still feel, over a week later, are completely false. No matter which way I look at them, from what angle I study them, I cannot find a perspective from which to look at them to make them true.

And this apology does not seem to cover lies. Procrastination and hurt yes. But the actual admitting of saying lies that caused hurt, not at all.

I have said that if I was offered a sincere, paragraph long apology I would forgive and would happily rejoin the group. And truly, I have forgiven and have worked hard the past week to forget.

But I said that I would accept an apology that started with "I lied and I'm sorry that I lied and I ask forgiveness and intent to never lie again." and I got "I never meant to hurt or cause confusion."

Which implies that I was confused. I don't think I was confused. I think I was the only person doing the job. I did the job for about four months mostly on my own and never felt confused. But suddenly she wants back what she had dropped, what is rightfully hers even if she's not capable, and I'm getting so much condescension. I feel like she's patting me on the head, "good job dearie, but you can stop playing house now, Mommie's home." Which has even more sting because I'm better than her at keeping the house organized. I was never confused. I was doing the job that she was not willing to do. But now she wants it back and she wants me to stay, go back to being a good little helper, and label me to the group as confused if anyone wonders why the changes.

Is it possible for me to do both? Can I accept the apology and stay out of the group? Is it too much of a nit-picky syntax thing to stay out because the actual apology, the words, are not what I want, what I feel I deserve? Is that a good enough reason?

I'm tired. I've worked hard, much harder than I anticipated. I've gone to events out of obligation instead of joy. I've come home, taken the babysitter home, and stayed up another two hours to relax after the event that was suppose to be relaxing. I don't anticipate that changing because she's actually running the show.

And then she can label me however she likes. Paint me out to the group whatever way she likes. I can be the turncoat. The immature pouter. I can be the overextended mom who is burnt out who everyone should be praying for from a safe distance. I can't seem to find the joy to continue while my heart is broken by these labels, which this apology only serves to paint me into, that I don't have the power to defend myself against.