On Being a Sane Homemaker

Before I get into these thoughts of mine I want to take a minute and acknowledge that this is from my perspective about my life. It's not meant to judge anyone else's life or choices. What works for me may not or will not work for everyone else. My priorities and my values are, well, mine, not the world's and certainly not everyone who reads this. I feel that I have been blessed to be able to stay home and raise my children myself, but that is not what everyone would choose and not everyone who would like to stay home has that option. With all that said, here's some thoughts rolling around in my head.

Part of staying mentally healthy while being a stay at home (SAH) parent, at least for me, is not defining my identity by my job as a parent. Eventually my children will grow up and "leave the nest" and then what? If my entire identity was wrapped around raising children then I will have no personal identity left when I'm done actively raising them and that's not healthy. Also, as I am raising my children, I don't want my sense of self-worth to be based their achievements, that's not healthy for me or my children.

Something that I've found helpful is the subtle, but at least for me, distinct, difference between defining my job as a SAH parent or as a homemaker. Being a SAH parent is by definition about being a parent and I am more than that. As a homemaker my job is to make my house a home, literally make a home, which entails so much more than being a parent. I am in charge of creating my home, which helps me make intentional choices about what kind of home I want to create and connecting my mundane chores with the larger ideas behind them. A simplified example: One of my priorities is to have a welcoming home. So, I try to keep my house clean, because a clean home is welcoming to friends and family.

Here's another way that I look at it. A lot of SAH parents do a great job at getting things done. They get so much done during the day. But they are totally disconnected from why they are accomplishing these daily tasks. Without the why, it's so easy to become discontent, to feel that your life has no purpose, to feel that all you are is the sum total of the different roles you play: driver, referee, chef, cleaner, maid, seamstress, etc. It becomes so easy to drift in the current of life because you don't feel like you have any choice but to work and work hard at things that others find demeaning. (It's also easy to become embarrassed or ashamed when other people criticize your choice to stay home when you look at your identity as the sum total of the tasks you get done everyday.) Instead, I try to connect every task with the larger values and priorities behind it, giving every task meaning. By focusing on the why of the task I acknowledge that every task, every day I am making the choice to live my priorities out with my actions. I make my own current. I am more than the jobs that I do.

I spend a lot of time with other stay at home (SAH) parents, many of whom are highly-educated; however, I've found that a lot of the time these incredible parents don't take anytime to continue to develop their own identity while they raise their children. I get tired of the dumbed down conversations I find myself participating in about reality TV shows or celebrity marriages. Those conversations have their place, as well as discussions about our children and the challenges of raising them, but I find the endless talk about small things to be draining more than stimulating for the most part. I've also found that some of these parents are just down right discontent with their lives ... let's face it, raising children is mundane and monotonous at times ... but a lot of people seem to feel that since the task is that way, they are that way.

I think a lot of these parents just don't make the time to do anything for themselves, no hobbies, no activities, nothing. I believe in the "use it or lose it" theory, at least for me. And, my own personal parenting theory is: If you don't use your brain, you will lose your mind (go crazy). My whole world can't revolve around diapers and playdates, I need connection to the larger world, otherwise I will have nothing to give to my children emotionally and mentally.

A homemaker also is someone who continues to cultivate her own self while parenting her children. For example, one military SAH parent I know creates her own pottery (which is quite beautiful I might add). But I'm not an artistic person. Other SAH parents run their own home based business. And although I've really considered a home based business, because additional income is always welcome, my stomach clenches at just the thought of having to be a salesperson. But I do like to think, I like to read, and I like to write. Eventually I'd like to formally continue my education, but I'd like to be able to commit myself to it wholeheartedly and now is not that time. So I'm doing my own thing for now (more on the specifics later...), but the point is that I'm doing something to develop me while helping my children develop.